When someone with hoarding disorder finally says yes to cleanup, you might feel relieved. Finally. But here's the thing—the cleanup itself is often the hardest part for them. How you show up during this time matters a lot.
What They're Going Through
For them, this isn't just getting rid of junk. Every item being removed might feel like losing something important. Here's what they might be feeling:
- Grief: Seriously. Each thing going out the door can feel like a loss.
- Anxiety: What if I need that? What if I'm making a mistake?
- Shame: Now everyone sees how bad it got.
- Fear: Are they judging me? Disgusted?
- Relief: Mixed with guilt about feeling relieved.
- Exhaustion: Making decision after decision is draining.
Knowing this helps you understand why they might get upset, shut down, or want to stop. It's not them being difficult. It's genuinely hard.
Before It Starts
Talk About What Scares Them
Ask what they're worried about. Is it certain items? Being judged? Losing memories? Knowing their fears helps you and the cleanup team avoid landmines.
Figure Out Your Role
Are you going to be there during cleanup? Helping with decisions? Just moral support? Sort this out beforehand so there's no confusion or conflict later.
Make a "Don't Touch" List
Work together to identify things that should never be thrown away without their explicit okay—photos, documents, specific sentimental stuff. Give this list to the cleanup team.
During the Cleanup
Remember What This Feels Like for Them
Every item going out the door might feel like a loss. Acknowledge how hard it is without brushing it off.
Check In, But Don't Hover
Ask how they're feeling instead of "how's the progress going?" Don't call every day asking if they threw more stuff away.
Be There If They Want You
Offer to be present during cleanup. But if they want space, give it to them. Don't pressure.
Keep It Private
Don't tell the whole family. Don't post about it. They're already embarrassed enough.
Things That Help
- "I'm proud of you."
- "How are you feeling?"
- "Want to take a break?"
- "I'm here."
- "This is hard. You're doing it."
Things That Don't
- "Finally! Can't believe you kept all this."
- "Why would you want that?"
- "This looks so much better!" (sounds dismissive)
- "Just throw it all away."
- Taking pictures without asking
After It's Done
Cleanup finishing isn't the end. Hoarding is chronic—without support, the stuff can come back over time.
Keep Therapy Going
Encourage them to keep seeing a therapist who specializes in hoarding. Cleanup fixes the symptom. Therapy works on what's underneath.
Celebrate Without Policing
Acknowledge the progress. But don't become the clutter cop. Constantly checking up on them damages trust and makes them more anxious.
Help With Practical Stuff
Help set up systems—regular donation runs, sorting mail together, organizing seasonal items. Make it collaborative, not supervisory.
Expect Some Setbacks
It's normal. Doesn't mean failure. Respond with patience, not criticism. Recovery doesn't go in a straight line.
Take Care of Yourself Too
This stuff is hard on you as well. Some things to remember:
- Set limits on what you can give
- Take breaks when you need them
- Get your own support—therapy, support groups
- Your feelings are valid too
- You're doing something really hard
You can't help them if you're running on empty.